I mean, REALLY honest…tell you the truth, the whole truth…and nothing but the truth? If your answer is no…you probably shouldn’t read any further…because I’m going to be brutally honest, with me, with you…with Big Red.
My heart is breaking over leaving him. I want to put on blinders and just run back and pretend like nothing is wrong. I want to believe that things will get better and that we will be the happy couple we once were…years ago…and I mean years. In fact, a year ago, Father’s Day…I wrote about it here.
I just read it again today…and seriously…how the fuck did I end up here? Last year, LAST FUCKING YEAR…I was battling the same demons! Here is sit, at my mother’s computer, typing out a blog post…because I have no where else to go. How pathetic is that? I am a grown woman and I am at my mother’s house…again. Seriously, the woman just needs a revolving door on her front step…it would make things a hell of a lot easier.
If I really tell myself the truth…I want to lie to myself and just spend the rest of my life acting like nothing is wrong and that the pretty picture we paint on the outside of our lives is a true reflection of what is on the inside…but, it isn’t. You may not think that 3 or 4 beers a day, or a couple of scotch at night is a lot, or even a problem. However, my life experience, with Big Red, tells me different. It puts a fear in me that I can not even begin to describe to you. When I hear the shush of the beer can opening, my heart pounds, my palms get sweaty and I go into panic mode. I worry that the one will lead to another, and another, and another, and then that will lead to the pot smoking, which leads to the cocaine again…and then, before you know it…I am standing in my doorway at 2 am yelling at Big Red to get the fuck out…again. I am standing in my kitchen weeping for the love that I have lost, the lives I have fucked up and the kids who never ever had a say in any of this and they just want to be loved. How fucked up are my daughters going to be? FOR REAL??? I divorced their dad, and now I am leaving the second man I managed to introduce into their lives…for fuck sakes Natalie, do your fucking homework and due diligence on these men! What is so wrong deep down inside you that you can’t seem to get past or fix it without fucking others up in the process?
I want the man I feel in love with in 2006. I want the fun loving, outgoing, energetic man I met in the hot summer of 2006. He was charming, he was funny, he was entertaining. He wanted me with a desire that I had never ever experienced. He gave me the freedom to just let go and have fun. He gave me the permission to feel sexy again. He gave me the permission to feel good about being a woman and about having fun as a woman, not just as a mom or a wife. He was the best lover I had ever had. He knew things that even I didn’t know…and you all, knowing me…KNOW that is a feat of accomplishment.
Over the years, Red got clean and sober, and his fire for me died. A slow painful death, and if you read back to the beginning of my blog, you will see the evolution of me trying to get his attention and his pulling further and further away from me. I began to fill that loneliness with scrapbooking gadgets…lots of them…I could probably open my own store. Then I began to fill that loneliness with things like facebook and twitter. Reconnecting with old friends and meeting new ones. I began to pull away emotionally from him, feeling that he didn’t love me, nor did he even care what I was doing, so what did it matter. I met some amazing women on twitter who have become incredible friends for me. I met some fantastic guys that began to fill that emotional void for me and they would tell me that I looked great, that I was fun, that I was an amazing woman…all the things I wanted Big Red to tell me, yet he never did. He was too busy golfing, in real life or on the computer. He was too busy doing things around the house…truth be told, I’d rather of had a messy house and hot relationship than a hot house and messy relationship. Don’t get me wrong…he did a LOT of stuff around the house…cooking, cleaning, did ALL of the grocery shopping from January onwards this year, after I had my breakdown. He even cleaned toilets and showers. On the home front, he is a catch and a half. He is easy going and his laid back nature has lead me to believe he never cared about me, let alone loved me.
If we didn’t have our little man, would we still be together? Probably not. His alcohol and drug use would have pushed me away and I would have given up long before I did. I would have gone another direction. Now, here I sit, single mother of three…alone…I am the trailer park story we all laugh at on TV. He even sent me a text message saying as much “good luck trying to raise three kids from two dads on your own” that one hurt, a lot.
He knows exactly what to say to me to draw blood, but I won’t let him see it. He knows the mean things to say to dig down deep and really dump on the core of me. He knows what to say to keep me awake at night really wondering if I am a horrible person. Did I do the right thing? Am I being too hasty? Am I just leaving him to find something else? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. Being alone sucks. I want to have his foot touching mine late at night when I wake up from a bad dream. I want to have his hand resting on my arm when he rolls over and snores in my ear. I miss him…or at least I miss the thought and feel of having him in my life.
I hope he gets some help. I want him healthy for our son. I don’t know if we will reconcile. I don’t know if he even gives a rats ass about me. I do know that my heart is shattered into a million little pieces and I just want to sleep, for days and pretend that this never happened.